Solace and Solitude

It’s been 3 years since I’ve written on this blog.

Reviewing some of the things I’d written (back when I had both the time and desire), the feeling is bittersweet – a little depression because it seems I haven’t progressed much over the years and a bit of comfort in that I still possess much of the same hopes, dreams and beliefs.

I look back, tune into the present, and the reality that confronts me does little to encourage: I am still very much ALONE.

The independence so highly sought and prized during my younger years remains just that. INDEPENDENCE. Except that today, its value to me has diminished and, rather than seeking it, it’s become something I’d most gladly give up.

Wow. I didn’t think writing this (admitting the above) would be so painful.

I find myself at a season in my life when it seems like I have everything I’ve ever wanted – and yet something is clearly missing.

Of late, I’ve been asking myself why I yearn to be pursued and loved. After all, isn’t God enough? Shouldn’t His love for me be enough?

I’ve come to believe that nothing in this world can fulfill me but God. I love and adore Him and incontestably the feeling is more than mutual, but still there is a silent, painful tugging in my heart that just seems to intensify and come at more frequent intervals.

During this morning’s drive to work, I again felt the tug. I wanted to dismiss it. Set it aside. Not deal with it. Run away from the thought. But it would not be ignored.

Lord, I’m only HUMAN!

I love You and adore You. My life is Yours. But I also know that LIFE IS MEANT TO BE SHARED.

I miss having someone to talk to about what kind of day I’ve had. I miss talking about silly things and having extended conversations on the geekiest of topics. I miss just staying in on a rainy day, and doing nothing. I miss being hugged. I miss being taken care of. I miss being surprised. I even miss having stupid arguments and making apologies. I miss making mistakes and taking the pains to mend them.

I miss having someone in my life – someone who knows and notices every single thing about me but loves and accepts me just the same.

I miss being special to someone.

I know that God thinks the world of me. I am, after all, the apple of His eye. And I know that I encounter Him through other people. Those are the hugs, the conversations, the surprises, the arguments that I get. But I still miss having to call someone “mine.”

Up until recently, I’d been happy and content being alone. Being single was never a problem. Why has that changed? Why do I suddenly feel so “incomplete?”

It’s not easy having to admit these things to myself, even having to write them down. It is humbling, unhinging, even a little scary. Whether I choose to acknowledge these feelings or not, they are there. The ache is real. And it is something I have to endure.

My consolation is this: God would never have put this desire in my heart if He never intended to fulfill it. Because I trust in my God, I can be confident that He will give me someone I can share my life with. I know He knows the anguish in my soul, that He sees every tear, and that He cries with me. The man whom God has prepared for me may not come today, tomorrow or anytime soon. And although I wish he’d come by sooner rather than later, by God’s grace, I am able to persevere.

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Lamentations 3: 28, 29, 31-33

“Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope… For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.”

Psalm 42:11

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God